My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
