Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
how drunk are you?
Several
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
