Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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