Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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