yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
