Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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