All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
