Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
