she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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