You made me cry and you don't even care
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
