I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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