Non-Jews are for practice
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
NoShamevember. You game?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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