yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
