so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Oh god it's open bar.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
