I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I love you.
Bad choice
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