It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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