he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
