my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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