i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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