you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
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