I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize