frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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