The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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