oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
