if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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