I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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