just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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