i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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