So drunk its hurt
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Randomize
