It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
