bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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