so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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