New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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