I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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