I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
