So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
