I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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