I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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