textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
