life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
