He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
