that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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