So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
