just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize