You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
