When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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