I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
