Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
