I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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