Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
