Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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