when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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