i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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