I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
