I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
