508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
