you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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