The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Boobs speak an international language.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
